Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Yes my dude
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess