First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
You Might Also Like
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster