Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
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Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.