Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
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[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Me trying to walk in a dream
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.