Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
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If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
sliding into dms like
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.