Dolls on drugs
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Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when