Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
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ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small