“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
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Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.