Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
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I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.