“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
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Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
How it started How it’s going
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.