I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
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I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
dads on road-trips be like
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?