Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
You Might Also Like
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’