AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
You Might Also Like
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude