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[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?