we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
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If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what