Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
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Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they