[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
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My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
not seeing the problem
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?