I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
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All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.