Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish