I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
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This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
For anyone who needs this today
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
there has never been a better use of this meme
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.