“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
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her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
when there are deer in the woods
Weighing up my bread heating options
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.