My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
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I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one