I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
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Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I feel it
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.