I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
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mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
be careful
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?