HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
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Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
u guys got any snacks onboard here
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone