Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
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no cat here
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
all bases covered
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.