BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
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Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
*gets down on one knee*
*orders delivery*
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Pandas 🐼🖤
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think