My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
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Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Xylophonist Shredding It
Worth remembering.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Challenge accepted.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored