I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
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When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
How does one answer this?
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
my mom making me talk to relatives