What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”