The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?