Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
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M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before