How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Smile Twitter, Smile.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions