ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
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Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.