Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
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Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
The options really are this bad
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.