If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.