Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
You Might Also Like
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Meowchelangelo
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.