My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
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In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
blocked.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.