Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
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A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up