I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
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wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
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ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Risking my life for fun.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle