Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
handsome & gretel
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time