a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
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*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.