me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
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Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship