5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
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Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Huge, if true.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it