Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
i wish we could shoplift online
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.