The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
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Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Animal poetry
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.