*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
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dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
What the dentist sees
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play