3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
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Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad