“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
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The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm