I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
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You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”